I'm absurdly behind in classes and the end of the semester is closing in fast. Finals start sometime nearing the end of the month into the beginning of next month and I feel so screwed. Aniki has just been a mess since all this has happened and there seems like there's only so much I can do to comfort him. I wish there was more I could do, but I honestly don't know what to do sometimes. To make things worse, I know the helplessness I'm feeling he's feeling, because he always seems to get defensive if I comfort him too long or right when he starts to break down. It's like he's hung over the fact that I'm comforting him when he should comforting me and it frustrates him. It's not like I don't know. I feel the same way when he tries to hold me or talk me out of my depressive moments.
...maybe we do need a shrink. Though I wouldn't be able to open up to them. Too many bad memories on that end in an entirely differently matter altogether.
Anyway. This wasn't really what I wanted to talk about. Just a random update on life and how things are going right? Right. OK. So let's list some of the "important" happenings lately.
- I've gotten back into Inuyasha (specifically SessInucest) fanfiction. It's. So. Addicting! @0@
- Got my writing mojo back.
- Then lost it.
- And got it back again. See here to see what I mean.
- Was actually told by my school and professors that I needed a mandatory vacation. I found out Aniki got the same "advice" so we took a week "vacation" in the States about two weeks or so ago. We did a surprising amount of nothing during this time and mostly just moped and tried to act happy occassionally when friends came over to cheer us up.
- Aniki hasn't drawn a single thing since Charlie's death. He just doesn't seem to be motivated to do it anymore. It's... very unsettling.
- Listened to some old music, like going back into my past. Specifically I listened to Gravitation, Iceman, Bad Luck, The Spirit Room album and others.
- Got my first F on a midterm. I was more than devastated. Luckily my professor was suprisingly understanding and is going to let me do a take home make-up and factor the two grades together to come up with something more satisfying for everyone.
- Cried more than I think I have in a long, long time.
- Had one of the most shattering moments of my YA life: Charlie's sister actually told me to my face that it's my fault he's dead and that it should have been me.
- Thus issuing the crying and shitty all-around feelings during my supposed "vacation week".
- When we got back she called and apologized and told us she didn't mean what she said and such... not like I really care one way or another. She won't be hearing from me ever again. You can count on that.
- Behind on college work.
- Had to ask for a reassignment at my job because I'm not up to being editor for anyone right now, not even my own work, so temporarily I'm on paid leave.
- I have a shitload of absences, which most of my professors are going to completely ignore because of everything that's happened, but I still have to watch it.
- I didn't go to any of last week's Hybrid Identity classes and a paper was due in that class which I didn't even do yet. Fuck.
- Did make up a lot of work in terms of homeworks, projects, quizzes, and such... but I'm still behind because while making up all that I missed out on some current stuff and... hell.
- No sleep. I just can't sleep long enough to actually sleep if you know what I mean. It's incredibly frustrating and doing shitty things to my health.
- Which brings me to my next major point: I'M SICK. *SNEEZES* My head hurts, my nose hurts, my eyes and sinuses hurt, my throat hurts (though not as much as before) and I'm tired, cranky, and highly irritated.
- On the bright side it's finally Spring Break! 8D;;;; ......fucking spring break now ruined by a goddamn cold you gotta be fucking kidding me nkjfnsaljfnakndjgldnajkg ajdlgnajkdnjadnajdj *turns ranting and raving*
- Dag called from England telling me about all the craziness happening in London. I was shitface worried for him since he's among the rioters and police supposedly acting as peacekeeper which is probably the worse job he could be enlisted in right now.
- Luckily he's no longer in the danger zone right now. (Thank the gods...)
- I haven't really done anything art related in a long time, so those watching my RU blog don't expect anything any time soon. :(
- Finances are soo tight right now. My accounts and stocks in the US are plummeting and I'm losing money which is not what I need to hear. One of our big fallbacks is the money we have in US and Swiss banks since it's worth a lot more there than it is here. Whenever we're in a jam or need some quick cash we just tap into those but if the US funds are taking such huge hit right now we have to transfer all the funds to Swiss banking or some other European bank where the money might liquidate. Either way, we're sort of being screwed over here. I can't have our money run too low or we'll need to start working our special jobs again which I'm not so happy about trying with the way things are with international borders right now. Also Aniki's health has me worried about stressing him too much, too hard, too soon. I could do it myself, but we were a team and there was a point to it. Going solo would be possible but.. well, whatever. I'm really in the mood for it either way. Maybe we'll cash in some debts instead, if push comes to shove.
- I'm going through a mirad of emotions and it's really getting on my nerves. My body's hurting all over (and not because of the cold either) and it's making things worse. At least I haven't had any... really bad episodes lately which is good, but if all this chaos keeps up.. it's going to make me sick. I just know it will. And if it'll effect me, it'll effect Aniki. That I can't have.
- Might have to go back on my high dose meds again. Ugghhh... hooray for the return of psychotic Miki! -___-;; ...eh heh heh... no.
-Later!
The Autophobic Golden Gods.
[Music] Folie a Deux playlist [Mood] Sick and irritable but determined to get some work done!!
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